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life

Why don’t they offer a degree in creativity and learning?

ramblingsofanobsoletemom

I have a mostly right thinking (creative) brain with just enough left (analytical) brain mixed in to make things interesting. For example, math and I have never been good friends; but I love science. I would rather read than watch TV and I like to make certain things myself instead of purchasing them ready-made. In school my favorite subjects were English, art, science, history, and geology. When I started college, I was a business major. I didn’t have a set direction, but business seemed the most logical choice. If it were up to me, you would be able to major in creativity and learning.

My husband once said that my brain is full of “useless facts.” He’s right, although we later agreed to dub them “interesting facts” because often they have proven very useful. What I am trying to say is; I am a wealth of miscellaneous information. Does that make sense? I know a lot about a wide variety of subjects, but I’m not sure I’m an expert at anything.

Can you see where this is going yet?

My mostly right thinking brain, with just enough left brain mixed in, is a help and a hindrance. Having both a creative and analytical brain is helpful when you want to recreate something you found on Pinterest; or when a friend asks your opinion on design, shape, or color. It’s helpful when  you want to map out trips, plan a garden, or when you need to create a pattern for gingerbread houses from scratch. It’s an asset when you write a letter, sew pillow covers, take up photography as a hobby, paint a mural on a wall, you want to tell a bedtime story to your children, and when visualizing how furniture will look in a room. It’s also great for learning a new software program, planning parties or fundraisers, problem solving, building furniture (yes, I can build furniture), and researching almost anything. Having both a creative and analytical brain isn’t great for…CHOOSING A CAREER DIRECTION.

RightBrainvsLeftBrain-Infographic2
Infographic used with permission. Created by Mindjet & Jess3

What do you mean I can’t do everything? Can you really have too many interests? Personally, I think I can and I probably do. We’re studying genetics in my anthropology class right now and I’m beginning to believe creativity and learning might be part of my genetic code. Almost everything is interesting to me at some level. It boils down to this; I love learning. I also love variety and I do not like to be bored. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about a relaxing weekend and doing whatever I darn well please. I just don’t want to sit at a desk for eight hours (or more) pushing papers from one side to the other, or doing the exact same thing over and over and OVER.

Books2

This photo is a good representation of my brain. Disclaimer, if you look closely at the photo, you will notice some of those magazines are several years old. The right side of my brain says you never know when you might need that one photo, article, etc. right? It’s alright, I can own it. Remember, this post isn’t about clutter, my inability to toss clutter, or how said clutter clouds your brain. That’s definitely a topic for another day.

Some good friends of ours used to sit down together, at the beginning of each year, and talk about their five-year plan. A few times, I suggested to my husband that we could have the same tradition. I thought it was a great way for us to visualize what our life path looked like without having anything set in stone. My other half is not a big fan of change and wanted no part of it. He couldn’t understand why in the midst of one project, I was already contemplating the next. I tried to explain that for me, it was just about planning and having things to look forward to. I just wanted a jumping off point. His interpretation of my explanation was that I was never satisfied. In hindsight, I needed to create my own plan. If I had, I think becoming an “obsolete” mom could have been less paralyzing. (Sigh) Good old hindsight.

At 40-something, I have no interest in being a business major. Zip. Zero. None. So, when I decided to return to school and I had to choose a major, I waffled (have you ever tried to balance, on your knees, on an exercise ball?) You can’t get a degree in creativity and learning and I can only choose one major. Marketing? Biology? Communications? Computer Science? What if I make the wrong choice? Sure, I could have a minor also, but that still only covers two, of the twenty-eight, interests I might have at any given time. I needed a major with some real flexibility.

My younger daughter is a college freshman and an English major. She was undeclared, but as a college athlete you must choose a major to register for classes, so she and her counselor chose English. At this point, she has no idea where it will take her and that’s just fine. One afternoon we were discussing the career options available, beyond teaching, for someone with an English degree. Searching “careers for English majors”, we were surprised to learn how many choices there actually are – 100’s in fact! Light bulb moment!

Armed with that knowledge, I took that first step forward and decided to pursue a degree in English too. I’m not sure what I will do with it. Part of me wants that answer now, but how do I choose? I admire the people who know right away. Maybe I’ll teach. Maybe I’ll try several paths, who knows! How did you choose your life path?

The great thing about a new major, (plus my 20 year education gap!) is the bits of general education I need to finish will allow me to add to my plethora of #interestingfacts, and for now, I am just enjoying learning.

-Kim

motherhood

Back-up plans and stepping forward. It’s just a calculated risk…

ramblingsofanobsoletemom

In business, my husband is all about calculated risk. In our personal life we have never done anything “the way you’re supposed to.” What’s life without a few plot twists? We are high school sweethearts. We were still in college and I was working for a software company, when I found myself pregnant with our first daughter. I was 22 years old when she arrived.

We scrimped and saved and bought a home with a little yard. In 1996, two semi-broke, working college students could still buy a house in Sonoma County! (I know it sounds crazy, but it’s true!) In those early years, we took a calculator to the grocery store. I left school. I went to work before the sun was up and he worked swing shift so we didn’t have to put our baby in daycare. Along the way, we got married. Three of us became four and that same year we started a business. We decided that one of us at home was the best thing for our daughters. Then we partnered in a second business, unrelated to the first. There were ups and downs and for the most part, life was simple. I wouldn’t change any of it.

An acquaintance once told me that she had difficulty adjusting to becoming a mom (at 33) and she asked me what my back-up plan was? I never had a back-up plan before becoming a mom. I never gave it much thought. In high school and college I fouled off ideas like they were wiffle balls. Maybe I would be an attorney. Maybe a journalist, or a photographer. I loved the idea of being a flight attendant. The only thing I knew for certain was that at some point, I wanted to be a mom. Not just any mom. The best mom I was capable of being. My back-up plan was built in. We had two businesses. My husband would need help with those and then later there would be grandchildren. I was set.

That conversation was a light bulb moment and I ignored it. I realize now that she had more than a decade of adulthood under her belt before becoming a mother. Even if their focus shifts, older moms have building blocks that I would not establish until much later. At 33, I had been a mom nearly ALL my adult life and I really hadn’t established who I (me, myself, outside of my role as mom) was at all.

Someone could have flicked me on the ear, or at least mentioned it to me in passing. “Hey! HEY! Just a reminder that kids grow up fast! What if you and your husband aren’t on the same page? What are your plans after that? Do you want to be standing there, like a monkey in front of a mirror, just scratching your head? Why didn’t anyone tell me? (insert sarcastic chuckle here.)

Fast forward. I was on the precipice of 40 when our oldest daughter graduated from high school AND I realized my husband didn’t want my help. It was a triple whammy! What’s that old saying about just assuming? Yes, “judgement day” was coming, but between homework, shuttling kids among sports schedules, piles of laundry, cooking, errands, cleaning, etc. it always seemed so far off. Many times I said I would finish my degree before I turned 40, but I never felt like I had time to think about it. Truth? I never allowed myself to think about it. Part of me felt guilty thinking about myself. Of course, self-care isn’t selfish at all, but my identity was so wrapped up in being a mom and wife, I couldn’t see it at the time. Moms, take note! #selfcareisNOTselfish !!

In those final years, I built a bit of resentment and it took me awhile to sort through what I was feeling. Let’s be clear, my husband is a brilliant, hard-working man, who is also a wonderful husband, father, and best friend. I love him with my whole heart and every ounce of my being. I’m not exaggerating when I say he is brilliant. He is GOOD. AT. EVERYTHING. Do you know someone like that? I found myself torn between emotions. He goes to work everyday and is his own boss. He travels often, has client meetings, conference calls, barbecue nights, private track days, and dinners at nice restaurants. Sounds glamorous doesn’t it? It really isn’t. Most of me was “bragging rights proud” of his hard work and well deserved successes. A part of me was just the tiniest bit envious that his purpose was not in question and he still had it all figured out, and the other part of me was mad at myself for assuming I had a built in back up plan and not being able to step forward into my next phase.

I would bring up my feelings about becoming “irrelevant” and he would respond with “Well, you should…” He made it seem trivial, as though it was all just so simple. My blood would instantly boil (INCOMING!) and I would return fire with something really snarky like, “Well, when am I supposed to do that?” or “Wow! It must be nice to have time to figure out ALL the answers!” I know he was trying to help, but everything seemed impossible. Our busy season, according to the calendar, is from late February until late October; with miscellaneous events mixed into November, December and January. Our busy season, in reality, is all year long. So he was still traveling and I was still parenting (and cooking and cleaning and everything else.) He couldn’t possibly understand and I definitely did not want someone, whose identity was not in question, telling me what I should be doing. In those moments, I just wanted to be heard.

Pondering what life looked like beyond being a stay at home mom, I knew I had to figure out what my next act would be, but I had no idea what it was. Once I turned the “big 4-0” I felt like my timeline for decisions was limited and I no longer had time to waste. I wanted to go back to school, but I couldn’t decide on a direction. For the first time, I felt overwhelmed by the idea that I had done everything in my life backwards. It was suffocating. I was terrified of wasting time and yet, I was floundering like a trout on the dock, stuck in a cycle of thinking that I needed to have all the answers before I could begin. 

One morning, over coffee, the tears welled up as I asked, “What if I choose wrong?” My husband very gently replied, “just take the first step” and finally a switch flipped. It’s a calculated risk. I don’t need to have all the answers right now, I just need to keep moving forward.

So for now I’m a mom, a wife, and more recently, I’m a student (again) and  writer. We have never done anything the way “you’re supposed to.” It still seems to work just fine.

-Kim

motherhood

I am an “obsolete” mom. You might be one too…

ramblingsofanobsoletemom

We all have fears.

My husband and I met when we were teenagers. In college, I thought I knew exactly where I was headed. We were young when our first daughter was born and I was never afraid of motherhood. I took it on and embraced it; the good (breastfeeding and bottles when I was certain I might be starving our oldest) , the bad (poopy diapers, spit-up, and sleepless nights) and the colic – which can only be defined as the ugly! All of it! Sure there were weepy nights here and there; quietly rocking the baby on the bed, staring blankly at the wall – no sleep will do that to you! Still I never questioned my abilities or purpose.

Fast forward eighteen years! (In spite of what everyone might tell you, those two words are really the only accurate way to describe how quickly your children grow up! Truthfully!)

A stark reality began hanging around my head like a little black cloud. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, life was changing and soon I would be “obsolete”. I have always welcomed change, but without warning, I found myself petrified of it! I was in unfamiliar territory and surrounded by mountains of questions. Questions that I had only very casually considered over the years. One morning I looked in the mirror and all I could think was “who in the hell am I and what am I going to do now?” and the tears began to flow…I had lost sight of my purpose.

Oh, deep down I know that as parents, we are never truly obsolete. If we are really doing the best job we can, our sweet little ducklings are supposed to spread their wings and create their own nests. I knew all of this. Really, I did! Of course, knowing is one thing. Learning to embrace the changes can be an emotional mine field!  Eventually, I realized that I couldn’t possibly be alone in my fears, so I decided to own it and figure out how to move forward. Read a bit more about me and why I started this blog here.

Welcome! I’m an “obsolete” mom. Maybe you are too?

– Kim