life

Hi. I’m back.

Three years. It has been three years since my last post.

Can you believe it?

Our world has changed a lot in those three years. Fire evacuations. Civil unrest. Political chaos. Covid uncertainties. Toilet paper hoarding…which I still cannot comprehend.

Yet (for better AND worse) so many things have stayed the same.

In my last post, I talked about feeling like I had been holding my breath for all of 2017 and the overwhelming need to exhale, and I did, for a bit.

I’m doing it again though.

Holding my breath.

Only this time I realized that I have been partially holding my breath for much of my adult life. Holding onto circumstances and emotions and stress and tension; like it was my job.

WTF…who would choose that job?

I’m weary and I’m ready for change. On so many levels, I am ready for change.

Breathe in. Hold.

Exhale.

Breathe in again.

In through your feet, out through your head. Deep, cleansing breaths.

Hold.

Exhale. Back through your head and down through your feet.

Again.

Do you feel it? The tension and stress leaving your body. The pull toward the light. It’s there, the light at the end of the tunnel – I promise. Close the chapter.

Over the years and mostly out of necessity, I have learned patience in several areas of my life. I used to think that patience was a virtue in all things.

It. Is. NOT.

Say it again, LOUDER.

IT. IS. NOT.

“Patience” can be procrastination and mental clutter in disguise. I wrote a post about clutter and procrastination a few years ago. You can find it here. Patience can lead to complacency. Have you felt like that before? I’ve been existing in this idle place of patience, especially the last few years. Why? It’s comfortable and when life feels overwhelming, it’s easy to retreat to the comfortable options. A false sense of contentment was my quiet hiding place. It’s easy to say that you’ll make plans, tackle a decision, or work on project next week, next month, or next year. I really wanted to blame the pandemic, but the complacency began before Covid forced itself upon us all.

The one thing 2020 did for me was bring a lot of feelings into focus.

2020 allowed me to create space to admit, out loud to myself, that I often feel like I’m existing, but not always truly living. I still cannot fully put the feelings into words that explain it all, but I think this post is a good beginning.

I don’t want to simply exist. So what now?

Go back to the basics and step forward. One foot in front of the other. I know this. I also know that it’s ok take baby steps, and to pause, but not to stop.

So that is what I’m doing.

One more time, #exhale.

Hi. I’m back.

2 thoughts on “Hi. I’m back.”

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